whatmenthinkAsk a Man
Hello to the blogosphere!
Here’s where you can get the opinion of a man. If you have a confusing situation and want the frank and direct opinion of a man, ask away.
Post your question in the form of a comment. I will reply accordingly.
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Okay. My question, darling, is how can I know for sure whether someone is married who I met through online dating and who lives in another city? I know the answers to this, I think, but I’m wondering what are the major clues or signs to look for. Thanks dear
brenda:
If a man is smart/tricky about covering his marital status, it would be difficult to know for sure without stalking him back to his home. However, let me try to help answer your question.
1. He often takes phone calls by stepping out of your presence. OR He rejects phone calls often and tells you that they aren’t important.
2. When you call him, you get his voicemail and he calls back.
3, IF he has kids in this marriage, he knows about the price of children’s clothing, education, activities, etc. Most men without children would never know this.
4. He is always Busy, until he is with you. Then is free as a bird.
5. He is starved for sex. If he is cheating on his wife, most likely he isn’t getting sex or enough sex at home. He is only cheating because of a need to fill his sexual appetite/needs.
Some of this will work for men who are simply cheating on long-term girl friends, not only husbands cheating on wives. In any case, if you suspect something, there probably isn’t much for the relationship anyway. The trust is already broken. Move on and find a more stable relationship.
Ugh. Points well made and taken….sigh…
Question: a number of dates I had were with guys who felt the need to talk about their jobs for 1hr straight. Things obviously didn’t work out. But why would a sane guy give you an audio version of his resume? (or the business plan he is working on?)
bloga:
It is a pretty common understanding that men are single tracked thinkers. This does not me that they know only one thing, as some ignorant feminists will claim. What it means is that men concentrate on one track AT A TIME. My guess is that these men were passionate about their careers and professional success. If this is the case, they will have a hard time switching tracks to romance. This is why I encourage men to get stability (if not success) in their careers before dating.
[...] asked whatmenthink about it and his answer pretty much said it [...]
I told a man that I loved him.. He wont tell me that he loves me, but he hasnt stopped seeing me.. Whats the deal?
Jody:
For both men and women, saying the words “I love you.” is a big step. They are not just any words, but signify so much more emotionally. If he hasn’t said them yet, perhaps he isn’t at that point emotionally. You have to understand that everyone progresses at a different pace. If the two of you are progressing at much to different rates, there may be a fundamental problem with the relationship that has not been noted her.
To summarize: He may be into you, but not ready to say those words. He may not be into any longer or perhaps doesn’t see the relationship that seriously. With the information given, that is the best I can do to answer the question.
so…the age old question…..why do men cheat? More specifically, when they have found ‘the one’ (I am the only person he says that he has truly EVER REALLY LOVED)…but i recently discovered he had been cheating on me. We talked about it and he explained that he had been doing that allhislife, and that to him it was the same as going to get a massage (no emotions attached at all)….I have a hard time trying to REALLY understand this, I know he loves me and I know he has vowed to never do it again b/c he doesn’t want to lose me. He said he was simply being selfish before and not thinking about how I would feel…any insight???
Sami:
This is a complicated question. I will post an answer in the form of a new post and not a comment here.
I recently was broken up with, after we’d dated for about 4 months. We were really good friends before ever being involved and he mentioned that he’d really wanted this relationship to happen for the last couple of years, but I had no clue. The relationship was wonderful, and I thought this was really going to last for a long time. But… We broke up because he “needed some time to figure things out” and “couldn’t be in a relationship right now”. But, now, a couple months later, he’s been all about hanging out and doing things that we used to do. Offers to make me breakfast on a Saturday morning before I go to the gym, offers to help mow my yard, and wants to make dinner and hang out. I’m confused. Does he really want to just be my BFF? Or is he regretting breaking up?
LJ:
You should be confused. He is definitely sending you mixed signals. It is impossible to determine if he is seeking friendship or more.
I think it would be best if you simply asked him. Honest communication is the foundation to every relationship.
so i have a few short questions….
1, why do men deal with hurt by having random sex with random women.
2. why do they act different around diff people
3. why men pick there friends over there girlfriends
4. my bf has been away he traveled for a job last year and has been there for for this entire time, anytime we talk its very short unless i entertain his sex talk….. i want something more and i have explained this to him. but he never grows up, and why is he saying he loves me and then ignoring me or acting like this. ? i broke up with him but im struggling and i need answers
PLEASE HELP
please help me understand.
idlinda:
You have a lot of questions that can be answered by reading and inferring from my blog. However, let me try to summarize some points.
1. I need to correct you here. Men and Women deal with hurt and pain by having random sex/relationships at times. Not all men and women do this, but its prevalent on both sides. They are simply using the sex for affirmation and consolation.
2. Men are averse to showing vulnerability. They will increase their defenses when around potentially threatening people such as bosses, other men, etc. They are more careful and seem to act quite differently.
3. Because he believes that his friendships will last longer than his relationship. A man should never be picking his friends over his wife. However, I think it is prudent for him to choose his friendships over his dating partners. Dating isn’t as concrete as friendship. I shouldn’t have to explain that one too much.
4. To be it bluntly (in the words of authors Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo) “HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!” Stop asking, “Why doesn’t he want to talk to me?” “Why doesn’ he remember the small things?” blah blah blah. its simple. If he really cared as much as you would like him to, these problems would solve themselves.
Accept it. Deal with it. Move on.
I hope this honest opinion is a dose of bitter but healing medicine.
Thank you !
Ok, here’s my question. What are guys’ real feelings on the powerful woman? Do they really like women who take charge of the relationship? (And I’m talking about majority of the time, NOT the little situations where she surprises you by planning everything to a T.)
Rae:
This really depends on the stability and confidence of the man. Men who fear inadequacy want to be in control as much as possible as it validates them as the “Alpha Male”. However, inadequate men may also fall into the pitfall of allowing a woman to control the entire relationship.
I like to consider myself to be a confident male and I am an absolute equalitarian. A relationship should be equal. This doesn’t always mean that everything is divided in half! It simply means that each has his/her responsibility in the relationship. I am a young professional with a lot of ambition in life and I require that from the women I date. I want them to know what they want and if that is contradictory to what I want, then we can mutually end the relationship. Powerful women are great, but they need a powerful man in order for the relationship to succeed.
:o) I can definitely live with that answer. Thanks!
Do guys expect their girlfriends to be perfect everyday? It seems like everytime there is a small problem in my relationships, the guy chooses to break up with me rather than stay and fix it.
J:
Do guys expect their girlfriends to be perfect everyday?
Definitely not. However…
It seems like every time there is a small problem in my relationships, the guy chooses to break up with me rather than stay and fix it.
Why should he stay and fix a problem that isn’t his? Maybe, what you view as a small problem is actually a huge problem in his book? For example, if a girl is unreasonably insecure, I will end the relationship instantly. An unstable and insecure woman cannot be in a healthy and successful relationship.
Thank you!
I have a question:
What is he really thinking?
I have one male colleague who behaves inconsistently and changes his attitudes depending on situations. He’s a very difficult man to deal with. Sometimes when he is overstressed, he would pick on his women colleagues, quarrel with them in loud voices. Then sometimes, he is nice and polite but still there’s this possibility of him picking someone else to quarrel with. And he will quietly remembers your attitudes towards him, which he will bring it up for the next quarrel.
Angy:
Sounds like a very petty man. As we all know, some people are just pettier than others. Its a personality thing. Thats why he remembers attitudes. As far as how he deals with women, I think it may be developmental? I’m guessing he is single? Perhaps an only child or had minimal contact with females? No sisters? It seems that he just isn’t used to communicating with women and gets easily frustrated by his inability. This is just a presumption as I do not know him. Let me know if any of that sounds familiar.
You are so right about the strong man/woman thing. I was married once before, to a man I could walk all over. After I grew up, I left. When I met my husband now, it was like a battleground. Sometimes, it can still be. He’s a perfect “alpha” male, at least for me. As he so frequently lets me know. He lets me go only so far, then he’ll put his foot down. Darn, I hate it when he does that! I can’t run over him, & he doesn’t run over me. A strong, yet giving man is what a strong woman needs. As he needs her.
Now a question: When he gets stressed out (we own & operate our own business) why does he sulk up & shut down? Only to come out of his study, gripe about something, then go back to the closed door? Why not talk & try to work through the problems?
Karen:
Alpha males, myself included, do not like to admit weakness. When we are stressed out, we are in a position of vulnerability. We can’t act as if the situation doesn’t phase us. Talking it out would be admitting our weakness, so we would naturally avoid this. It is good to give these types of men their space. They are not closing down communication because they hold any feelings against you, so don’t take it personally. Let him run his course. An alpha male will always figure out a way to re-enter the scene after a sulk fest with a plausible solution. At that time, it is good for you to greet him as the “knight in shining armor” that he is.
Thank you, at least I understand a little better now.
I met a guy in one of my classes. We did not talk much during the school year but got to know each really well in a group project towards the end of school year. We had many great conversations about almost anything and developed a strong connection with each other. I was beginning to fall for this person until I found out that he will be getting married in July. What puzzled me was the fact that he didn’t mention to me that he was engaged when it was just the two of us. He only revealed it when a friend asked if he was seeing anyone during a group luncheon. I’m certain that he was also interested in me because he said he enjoyed talking with me and asked me out on dates. We always end up talking for hours over meals. Most of our conversations were refreshing and energizing. I feel so used. Why did he court me when he was getting married in a month??? Thank goodness nothing physical happened between us. I would have felt so cheap and stupid.
Flaming Daisy:
He enjoyed the time he spent with you, but sadly, it was nothing more than a farewell to his life as a single male.
He really did like you. Men can like multiple people at once. However, he loved his fiance.
That really sucks. Be sure to ask the right questions next time.
whatmenthink: I agree with your answer and the fact that he really does love his fiance. Thanks for your insight.
Referring to previous post:
The “petty” guy (my colleague) is married and have 2 lovely children now. Last few weeks, his mood is ok. He has a buddy colleague with whom he complaints to. He’s probably in his late 40s or early 50s. There’s one time where all colleagues gathered at a bar to have some fun together, dance, drink and so on. Some other guy bumped into him (according to him it’s the second time). He got really pissed off, challenged the other guy, and he actually slapped the other guy when he responded. Other male colleagues in my group came in between and calmed everyone down. It was a bit scary as the other guy and his group were staring at our “petty” colleague.
If you say it’s developmental….it’s a possibility but he’s a highly defensive person and would possibly think of your question as in insult. His jokes usually sounded more intentional and serious to other people (including me).
I have another question on how to reject a guy nicely without hurting anybody’s feelings?
Have you written an article on that?
Please let me know.
There’s a guy whom I think wants something more than a friendship. But I’m really not interested in that kind of relationship with him. I just met him for three times. The second time, he acted like I’m more than his friend, asked me to do this or do that for him. I politely refused as I assumed what his intentions were. I don’t intend to lead him on and I know being just his friend will be hard on him. I’ve also read other articles on this,,,, and usually they suggested to ignore him or tell him honestly that I’m not interested.
And I knew him through another friend of mine, so I’m not sure what’s the best thing to do…to reject his intentions.
Angy:
You say you were at a bar with the “Petty” Man. Sounds like he can’t hold his liquor is all…
The best way to reject a man is to be clear but polite. It is best for you to address the situation when it is obvious that he is making an advance. Simply let him know you aren’t interested in dating him and cite a reason that isn’t offensive. The simplest reason is usually, ” I don’t feel like we have chemistry”. If he insists, excuse yourself from the situation. Remember, it is always best to be polite, smile and be clear in your rejection.
Question: How do men define a classy woman?
Flaming Daisy:
I think that largely depends on the classiness of the man. I would define a classy women as someone who respects herself and has confidence. A woman who doesn’t need to be the center of attention, but often is. She is graceful in her actions and speech, but not timid. Although education is not imperative, I think it definitely helps.
Most men usually hide their emotions and feelings inside. Women tend to show and express all their emotions and feelings.
My questions are:
1) What do men think about women who expresses herself very often?
2) Why men think differently? Is it because of culture? background? bringing up? environment?
3) How does a man choose his woman?
I have another story to tell:
I know of a woman who loves his man very much. She would work days and nights to support his overseas studies until he graduated. But after he graduated from the university, he dumped her. The reasons that I heard was because his experience overseas has changed him and his perspectives about the women he wanted.
My question is: How can a women choose her man more carefully?
Angy:
1. Men don’t mind women expressing their feelings. If a man loves a woman, he doesn’t mind letting her vent once in a while. However, men do not want an erratic woman whose feelings are constantly changing. It gets tiresome to have a woman swing from one extreme to the next while expecting you to listen and take it all in.
2. None of those reasons make sense. Men and women share cultures, backgrounds, up bringing, and environment. Men are different because they are men. They have different hormones. We are anatomically different. It shouldn’t surprise us that we are also psychologically different.
3. Every man chooses his woman in a different way. I have yet to choose a wife, so I cannot say for sure. Still in the process of answering that question for myself.
How old was your friend? Sounds like they were in their twenties. That type of distance and investment doesn’t work out well when people are in their twenties. During a time of change and development, you need to be together so that you don’t grow apart. To answer your question, just use common sense. Don’t throw years of your life into a relationship if you both you and the other party have committed to each other.
Bottom line. Dating = Risk. You will get hurt. You will get your heart broken. But don’t let that get you down for long. You only fail at love if you a) Stop loving yourself or b) give up on finding that person.
WMT, in response to #1, Chris hates drama, & scenes. I know this & understand it, because I do too. BUT, on the other hand, if I supress all emotion, he gets mad then too. He refers to it as when I “put on my b*tch attitude” & he goes through the roof. (Thankfully fights at our house are few & far between. We’ve fought out all the improtant stuff. Now I think we bicker sometimes for entertainment purposes.)
Angy, I’ve asked Chris before how/why he chose me out of all the girls he knew back then. He told me that he’d been praying to meet the right girl for him, then he was introduced to me at the place we worked at. That was the only answer he could give. I think men feel the same as we do, as if they’ve met who they are supposed to & then they settle down to conquer. I could be wrong, but I don’t think so. The same question has come up many times over the years & I get the same answer.
Karen:
There is definitely a balance between expressing yourself and whining. it is important to differentiate the two.
I have heard the “I just knew” line from many married friends, but I have yet to experience it for myself.
Hi WMT:
Referring to my post on June 14th, the guy (who has a fiancee) and I still keep in contact because we hang out with the same group of friends and eventually we are all going to be working together as colleagues. I now want to keep a professional and platonic relationship with this person. I have a very strong sense that he is still interested in me by reading his body language. For example, he would intentionally close in to my personnel space to brush against my arm when we walk together. I would instinctively cross my arms and move a way from him. I did this a couple of times but I doubt he’s getting my message that I’m not interested. He also told me that I dress well and I would thank him and then quickly change to another topic. I purposely don’t pick up my phone when he calls and I respond to his calls via email. I don’t want bring this up with him directly because what if I’m wrong about my speculation?? I would feel very embarassed. I would like to give him a wedding gift and a card wishing him lots of happiness in his new life with his soon to be wife. I never met his fiance though. Would it be appropriate for me to do that and do you think he would realize that I only see him as a friend/colleague after I wish him well? If not, is there any other way I can demonstrate that I’m just a friend/colleague and nothing more without telling him directly?
Flaming Daisy:
Do what most women do. Tell him you met someone and that someone is the best sex you’ve ever had. that should send a very clear signal.
The Petty Man.
He is Petty becuase even if he gets stress from wifey and kiddie winks aint no excuse to take it out at work. What a dick.
Be assertive. Don’t take shit.
We’ll see what the main man says (oops couldn’t hold my tongue) but Flaiming Daisy you gotta give up. He’s a sleeze ball. Whatever he’s got to offer find it elsewhere. Save your dignity and respect, he’ll always think he’s got it over you and one day it might happen, or is that what you are hoping for?
The best sex you ever had might work, or it might make him think you are a dirty bi%^ch and he’ll still be a sleeze ball. The problem is you work with him so why not cop a feel or use wandering eyes. Also get used to it in the workplace and don’t be afraid to say ’sexual harrasement’ as after all you have been ‘EMPOWERED’!!
mindhive:
thank you for your input! You are always welcome to reply and add an additional perspective.
I just stumbled upon your site, so I’ve browsed through all the tabs and I didn’t see anything on my issue, so I’m sorry if it is a repeat. My question is this…how do I tell if a guy is lying when he says he loves my freckles?
See, I hate my freckles. I’m not completely covered, like L.Lohan, but they are completely splattered across my nose and upper cheeks. I usually do a good job of hiding them with good make-up, and a guy never really knows they are there unless he see’s me in the morning, or after swiming, etc. But this summer I’ve gotten alot more sun so they are out full force! I hear, “Awww, your freckles are so cute” alot, but they could just be saying that, right?
Also, Is it a bad idea to cover them up in the first place? I imagine the poor guys I bring home are kinda shocked in the morning.
lyla lou:
You have to take his word for it. If he says he likes them, just take it for what it is. It is a compliment. Period.
The reason you are second guessing him is because you are insecure about your complexion. I personally think freckles can be very cute and thats no lie.
Don’t cover up your natural skin, freckles and all. Concealer and foundation are for a smoothing effect. When you try to cover up too much, it defeats the purpose of the smoothing effect. Love your natural skin.
Lucy Liu is one of my favorite Asian actresses (most my male friends think I’m crazy) and she has adorable freckles!
Cheers for healthy skin lyla!
-WMT