WMT: Why men cheat.

Sami Asked:
“so…the age old question…..why do men cheat? More specifically, when they have found ‘the one’ (I am the only person he says that he has truly EVER REALLY LOVED)…but i recently discovered he had been cheating on me. We talked about it and he explained that he had been doing that allhislife, and that to him it was the same as going to get a massage (no emotions attached at all)….I have a hard time trying to REALLY understand this, I know he loves me and I know he has vowed to never do it again b/c he doesn’t want to lose me. He said he was simply being selfish before and not thinking about how I would feel…any insight???”

Sami. Relationships are built on trust. Can you honestly trust him now? If you can, thats amazing and you have an amazing and forgiving heart. However, most people would not be able to trust someone after infidelity. Sometimes, given some time they might, but immediately after an incident it is unlikely.

“I am the only person he says that he has truly EVER REALLY LOVED”

I find this comment a bit unsettling. Let’s assume that he is 100% sincere and this is the truth. Is this the best his “Love” can offer? Infidelity. I’m pretty sure its just a line, but obviously I don’t know all the facts of your relationship. It is impossible for me to accurately speculate given the limited information.

My honest opinion? He might care for you, but he certainly doesn’t respect you and your relationship. Perhaps, he cares very much for you, but he isn’t ready for monogamy? Either way, it isn’t often that a relationship can survive infidelity. Period.

“so…the age old question…..why do men cheat?”

First, a man cheating is his own decision. No one forces him to cheat and no one is responsible for seducing him to cheat. A man is responsible for his own actions. I wanted to preface what I say with that.

Second, many times the reasons men cheat are the same reasons women cheat. Something to think about.

1. Inadequacy. Every man or women should understand this. Both men and women have either witnessed or experienced first hand the folly of seeking solace/affirmation in the opposite sex. The only difference? Women who seek to fulfill the inadequacies with men are deemed as whores, sluts and skanks. Whereas men are simply womanizers or pimps. If a man is cheating, inadequacy can definitely be a contributing factor. He can try to fulfill that void with more women or another woman, but nothing can really take care of that inadequacy but himself. I would recommend that the man or woman who struggles with this take a long period of single life. Learn to be happy without anyone and you will be much happier when you are with someone.
2. Sexual Starvation. Some of you may remember my unpopular post on what men think about sex. Many of you expressed discontent with my views. My female readership adamantly opposed the idea of putting the man’s sexual appetite first. I’m okay with people disagreeing with me. I expect it. I want to revisit this idea once more. I’ll start by asking the question, “Which gender is more patient when it comes to sexual appetite?” Are women generally the ones who become impatient and frustrated? Are women the one who need to have sex more? Lets not talk specific people. Lets not talk exceptions to the rule. Lets talk generally. Lets talk majority of men and women. I have to say that men hunger for sex much more than women. PERIOD. Are women sexual? YES. Do they also have a appetite for sex and NEED stimulation? YES. But its inherently different from men. Women hunger for sex like a person craves a delicious dish. They enjoy it in that manner. Savoring it, enjoying it. Men hunger for sex like a person who longs to use the restroom. Sooner or later, its gotta happen. Sexual starvation in a relationship will definitely lead to the relationships demise.
3. Seeking variety. Some of you might be thinking, “No way, I had sex with that guy all the time and he still cheated on me!” “Its definitely #1 He’s a prick” Actually, its never just one thing and no list can satisfy the millions of reasons. But lets say you had sex on the regular. What gives? As I stated in the post concerning what men think about sex, sexual affirmation for men is like a verbal affirmation for women. Having sex isn’t enough. It is like a man saying the same thing every morning. “Good morning sweetheart.” The first time he said it, your heart might have fluttered a bit. However, three years later, probably not. Having the same regular sex over and over again is the same thing. Your relationships are joint journeys, make sure your sex life isn’t lagging behind.
4. He never really liked you. Perhaps you were the one he cheated with, and later the one he cheated on. This is mostly driven by the same fuel as #1. The difference? He didn’t care for you at all. Just another notch on the belt.
5. He stopped finding you attractive. After many years of marriage, men and women both slip a bit in aesthetics department. However, men are more visual than women. Women may wish that their husbands would stay in shape and look good, but Men NEED their wives to stay in shape and look good. If you were a hottie at marriage, but turned into a lane bryant shopper… Enough said. Should you stay in shape for yourself as well? OF COURSE. But I’m talking about dating and relationships here. Taking care of yourself shows self-respect and also a respect for the person you will see every day for the rest of your life.